Beginning of a new year, I wonder what I should write... Maybe I'll try to sum up last year in a few quick paragraphs for whoever reads this, which is no one.
Guess I can look back on it to remember...
2013 began with me already in this new country, the memories of my home still fresh in my mind, friends, family, hang outs, favourite times, gone. I pressed on, now school beginning, I'm new to this system, it's horrible, this countries system doesn't mesh with my British education system, so my credits are obsolete here. I lost there, pushed back to the 9th grade, but my classes were all over the place, from 9th to 12th grade classes all in half a semester, oh joy.
Fortunately, I found the love of my life in those derriere halls, unfortunately, I didn't know I'd have to break my new friends heart to have her... rough start. My love is now mine, my friend is broken, for now at least, rough times and no end in sight.
When I first got into this relationship, I never knew my love would be my greatest source for happiness as well as my greatest source of sadness, I've never felt such turmoil and feelings before in my life, strife, jealousy, anger, disappointment all in the span of a few months.
I was falling apart to say the least, my love showed a strange way of loving me, She truly loves me I believe, she shows it on most occasions, but sometimes she does things I can not understand, terrible things that seem to only be aimed to hurt me, little did I know I'd come to understand why she does these things later on in my life.
I made a few friends, didn't count for anything after summer though, seeing as all my friends left, including my love, no longer attending this school. I was able to make even more friends this time, my confidence seemed to have built over the summer. Everything seemed great at school, new friends, new experiences, same conflict of emotions from my love though. The same confusing hurtful actions as before, but now, now I understand why she did it, as she told me the reason. I'll say what I got from what she told me, that being, I'm useless as a boyfriend, I'm a redundant poorly composed joke, I have the tendency to repeat my exact actions and responses, A broken record. I also have the tendency to show a lack of emotion, not being my fault in particular, I'm just not a visually expressive person with happiness, I'm not used to that yet. I don't take her out, I also have a one-track mind of sex, seeming to be the only thing on my mind. I understood this long before, quite frankly I've been waiting to see how long it would be before she could take no more of it. I thought she'd have broken up with me long before, but no, she seems to "love" me. I still don't understand this "love" thing, I googled "is it possible to be unhappy in a relationship but still be in love with your partner." something she said her self, not being happy with our relationship, the results google gave were less than helpful.
I understand I'm useless... I'm poor, apathetic, a sex addict, and to the least, a sarcastic ass hole.
I believe I'm not fit for a relationship, I seem to be a good friend but that's the extent of my "greatness", I'm a shitty boyfriend, always have been, still am, seem to not be able to change.
Sometimes I just sit and hope she dumps me, She must be able to find someone better than me, It CAN'T be that hard, anyone is better than me. In my defense, I try to give her a gift of what little money I do have, I try to hang out with her when I can, and if I have a ride, if not I'd take the bus just to see her. I really do love her, I tell her in poems and art, but I suppose that's not enough, nor is that what makes the cut.
I just wish she'd leave me for someone better, I'd rather be alone than be a hamper.
At least I stopped my self destructive behaviour, the scars are still there, they'll fade eventually. I just can't go on...
Hm... this entry went from being about the past year to my troubles, I suppose I'd rather complain than recap...
I'll leave it like that then.
To whoever reads this entry, I love you, and I hope you're not in any emotional stress, If you are, I hope you get through it, just don't hold it in, don't make journal entries about it because you're afraid to tell your friends and ask for help and hope that maybe one of them might see this and ask me what's wrong so that maybe I can get a little release from this hell.
No, don't do that... Just ask your friends for help...
Don't be me